leaves · in · a · cave, · scattered

i've lost the romance
of silver morning dew
i've lost the excitement
of disovering someone new
and i've lost the dream
i once had of you

teardrops on the stereo
my head in your hands
we have something special
no one understands
time will run out on us
leave us strangers in the end

we all circle around the sun
reflecting its brilliant light
we align like ancient planets
for a few hours one night
then you're off to find glory
it's pointless for me to fight

i'll spin this circle again
cross other paths and waste
time trying to fit in
the attempt to match their taste
but i'll never return to you
at least not before it's too late

finishing lines of coke i'm
waiting for the rush to come
eventually the powder sets in
and i'm on the flight to rome
suddenly i'm earthbound
headed down a narrow chute
into the headache darkness
the heat of a raging mood
i'm flash-bang against the sky
a shower of rockets and lightning
her voice calls but i'm high
take off your shirt we're fucking
unlined now the world tumbles
out of highball glasses
clattering on the counter
air thicker than molasses
camera-eye pivots to me
must maintain my focus
a bomb explodes the entire city
i reach in my pocket but it's broken
now your hands shake for mine
and i have a green jacket
smoking italian cigarettes
on a table by an old mattress
this idle conversation
strikes me as sudden unnatural
let's find a band to jolt us
more wine in a bigger bottle
how much is real and what's
drawn from what you tell me
i can't remember the past thirty days
but my head's under mariana
we'll jukebox the whole night
and i'll feed you crackers in the morning
this photograph confirms it
6.3% isn't made up stories

why am i always
caught
under thumbs and fingernails
never standing over
the future controller
master of a universe
built by my own two
hands

writing about how
oppressed
my life always seems to be
forces outside my hands and head
keep me in "my place"
press my mood into the dirt
spirit-crushing soul-mangler
this is how it
feels

i want to be
floating
on some warm ocean
calm and sweet
living on milk and honey
bread and tenderness
if dreams could come true
they'd be exactly right
and i wouldn't write
because i'd have everything
i'd be

i'd be

i'd be free

why can't we get lost in hands
and legs and friends and hurricanes
tied up in the back room with
the rest of the grand dames

giving out tickets to the
next gnarly showcase murder
you should be flattered we
even notice your drug runner

if monsters and predators
caught you in the shadow alley
i'd be sure to let them
chew your whole body

for any time you want me
it's not for disaster
twisting in the wire
choking on fresh plaster

when we check the pictures
posted on the computer
i'll be heroin chic
and you'll be the refuser

tracing your name
stitched on a pillow
let's get out of control
come let yourself go

creamy vanilla pudding
and dark chocolate bars
together in the night
screaming in cars

oh my fucking god
your fingers are all over
like a drunk clown's career
the day he gets sober

now if only you'd let me
have my way with the bridle
i'll play wicked and wild
and let you be the child

get back on the train
this ride takes us home
over an uncovered bridge
through shouts and moans
we could have had fights
dogma and dirty milk bars
instead we have thirty-two beds
on four sleeper cars
preferred treatment on
the bullseye line
laying a new wood floor
could save a lot of time
high speed bullet coasters
re-routed through downtown
place us within seconds
of never having to look around
would you bother
to linger longer with me
or should i infiltrate alone
this reconstructed property

this is not a cry for help
it's a cry for something to happen
shake out the nuts from the trees
crack open the sky and rain
tear apart these city streets
something to make a change
a life spent in a rainbow bubble
i can't sleep but i'm shielded and hollow
pulled all my pain inwards
never let it escape
my heart has the strongest gravity
denser than black holes and twice as hungry
i'll suck the life out of you
out of everything i see
make something glorious dull
pull the light out of this city
maybe it's time to stop waiting
maybe it's time to do it myself
shatter the illusions of nothing
take matters into my own two hands

if i could smile my own smile
and not shine with teeth
that echo his own
laughter and bitter
stories about working for
some maniac in a three-piece
maybe i'd feel more
self-worth as i wait
for the doctor to see me now
an hour in the cloaset
dancing for the hooded lights
can't find razors in here
can't find the voices
impossible handcuffs
keep me still for now
i'll find the key soon enough
transcend for another day
then back to the office
one hour at a time
cutting up my soul
and selling it to the poor
spread the poison around
let the world konw my pain
never allowed to hold
my own hand when crossing
the highway racing by
train tracks through my mind
never stop the rails
laid in the middle of the night
i heard that lecture before
from my own mouth to my own child
i am but an echo
a reflection of a memory
living someone else's life
all over again
how do i pull the wires
out of my head
tear that memory unmade
directly from the bed
talking doesn't take me
back to the day
crying in the kitchen
i could only say "okay"
but did i ever listen
did i ever learn
only to repeat what he said and did
i become a mime
unable to form my own face
will i ever be me

i am sorry that
i still worry
i still sink
in joy and fury
so much to live
so much wasted
i can't give
when i'm this lost
i can't even think
enough to dream
can't even breathe
enough to sleep
if i could be alone
i would slit my throat
the rope would slide through my fingers
and catch my short fall
wouldn't you be sorry
for leaving me air
you should have taken it with you
if you really cared
these words
spin like quarters
across my blank mind
catching the light
from a moon
low in the sky
a pale sliver
just after sunset
see how it follows
the tide in and out
watch me ebb
as my heart gives
what you wanted
was a kiss goodnight
a finger of support
to guide you
this storm subsides
and i swallow the pills
drink down the bottle
with an arsenal of strychnine
did your decoder ring
find you the answer
or have you lost faith
in my invincible nature
indestructible against my wishes
i'll have to be remade
impurities have surfaced
in the cloudy water
beneath the murky surface
faint glimmers
shining coins
reflective strips
of shredded faith
still giving light
how can this
empire be constructed
with hope for something
gentle and loving
still waiting
to be made real

when a sentence doesn't finish
of its own accord
i have to believe that something
has gone left unsaid
somehow the silence
between two charged poles
insinuates a tension
that no one wants to feel
i'm grounded and you're golden
the scar across the sky
when i kneel to speak to angels
they murmur incompletely
heaven ascends on porcelain
and silver towers besides
ivory is for the chosen
but only the humble can ride
you have released the doves
tiny filaments of light
if i turn up the current

did your lips ever
turn blood red
as though biting necks
pretend to be nosferatu

the undead who hunt
your visions of bedrooms
ice machine party
lure me as a queen

colors run from canvas shoes
black through white socks
in flooded city streets
the opposite of what happened to us

camelhair coat you
can't pretend anymore
killed the animal you rode
through the desert to find

a wilderness lover
i'm not wild enough
my teeth are not sharp
can't match your diet

o sweet o many
hands in memory
lips in sugar
milk & honey fantasy

o bliss o trembling
voice in song
eyes in shadow
molten silk touching

o golden o heaven
cream from angels
blessed sweetness
pure refined glow

when first i met you
i was shading naive
couldn't even kiss
just rub my lips on your sleeve

and then you sang to me
that breathless melody
i remember marilyn
and i remember the sea

her handwriting on my arm
was a long time ago
and if anything was meant to be
it isn't so

when next we met was
filled with a dream
and if you touched me
i whistled with steam

couldn't have been
bathed in hazy sunlight
looking back it seems golden
but then we were washed in white

her story in the woods
was a long time ago
and if anything was meant to be
it isn't so

when we meet again
i can't predict the riot
erupting in our streets
is there any chance of quiet

but you won't be singing
and i won't run through the town
we're too old for puppies now
it's time to settle down

her face in the photograph
was a long time ago
and if anything was meant to be
it isn't so

time and space
came between us
not even angels
could dream us

say it isn't so

i may be little more than
a tangle of remembered phrases
symbols shorn of their meaning
dreams that never amount to anything
but sometimes i feel a shiver
of a promise slowly dying
and share with it my oxygen
because this bird should be flying
i may be obsessive
about lines and character placement
the fact is i'm all right
giving you the knife edge
i don't know whether i once said
forever would have meaning
but i'm telling you now so you will know
this isn't the ending
we'll sleep together under the stars
in some far away place
sharing our swollen hearts
as we fade into the sky
though today i may be silent
and tomorrow i'll have nothing to say
you can't say we're through
because i am not through with you

good morning my old friends
it's nice of you to call
ghosts of past tragedies
i thank you one and all
here's the sun in all her glory
followed by stormy skies
and the queen of raging seas
lightning flashing from her eyes
next the goddess of the soil
who once buried me in clay
they come here for vengeance
and what else i cannot say
to each of you i bid welcome
for some it's been a long time
i can't imagine why you've returned
my actions were never crimes
this time i won't run
i'll face all your fights
from earth to air to fire
we'll set the world to rights

see my sails flutter and fall
all the wind gone out
as i stop talking
as i close my mouth

i can't hold my breath for ever

you'll be there
waiting when i'm through
you can hold out longer
you don't care as much

see me prick myself
watch the blood flow
hear me cry about it
now i'll eat

all the poison i produce
when you drink your champagne
you'll remember how it felt
to be in hell

and can't you tell

all my world is pain
and all the world is pain
oh all the world is pain

and you know i'm still a liar

all the world is pain

and i'm faking it

something precious
held too long
a dream in porcelain
echo of a love song
blown from my hands
on a sudden gust
birds sing my sorrow
wind stirs the dust
this cloudy grey
reflects my eyes
rain masks my tears
thunder drowns out my cries
the tortured poet
i think you know him
lost himself once more
to a foolish tragic whim

is this the place where you
spend the emotional i told you so
show me the error of my ways
then disappear into the ether

is this where you decide
i've waited long enough
it's time to stab me in the side
and leave me in a ditch

do you ever wonder what
might have been if i were true
or have you forgotten all about me
as though that's up to you

can't we just for once pretend
i never got anything wrong
and for one night sleep
without fighting . . . .

when you whisper in the water
and i hear you in the night
i'm sorry but there's nothing
i can do to make it right
the astral projector
has broken down
you won't see me in your dreams
or shadows hanging around
however much i want to
the devil won't hear my cries
not that you would notice
i don't show up in your eyes
if i were in distress
would you even notice
if i were flashing and screaming
would you do anything
would you even know
if i disappeared
the silence and the distance
are too much to hear

another example of hopes and dreams
pulled from my grasp how can i feel
when all of my plans go up in smoke
to love to breathe to want for a future
out of my control
it's all the same all gone away
just to see you again was all i had asked
but what do i get an empty hole
and the same old feeling
that i can't be trusted
pull my leg
play your games let me down
the long and the short
all that i want
leaves

becky wasn't just a starlight girl
she was a subtle mystery song on a string of pearls
behind the screen door she watched the world
let summer slip through her glittery fingers
then night came and it was back in the sky with her
hallowed ground wherever she shone
through the leaves i could watch the angels sing
praises to th starlight girl alone
whatever happened to those humid nights
the sand in our fingers far from the searching lights
a few moments of peace away from our lives
then gone forever without so much as a sigh